FAQ

Hosaphone(tm)

Hosaphone(tm) FAQ
Version 4.00
By Ellis L. Workman and David A. Roth
Copyright © 1996-2014 by Ellis L. Workman and David A. Roth, all rights reserved.
Date of first publication: April 1, 1996
Last-modified: January 5, 2014

The latest edition of this FAQ can be retrieved from Hosaphone(tm) Headquarters at:
http://hosaphone.com

 

This article is a description and primer on Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
about the low-cost musical valveless trumpet-like brass wind instrument called the Hosaphone(tm).

 The following topics are addressed:

1) A DIALOGUE WITH THE MASTER (An Historical Recreation)

2) HISTORY OF THE HOSAPHONE(TM)

2.1) What is a Hosaphone(tm)?
2.2) Why is there a need for a Hosaphone(tm) FAQ?
2.3) What's with the "(tm)"?
2.4) Who invented the Hosaphone(tm)?
2.5) Why was there a need for the Hosaphone(tm)?
2.6) Where and when was the Hosaphone(tm) invented?
2.7) What was the first Hosaphone(tm) like?
2.8) How is the word "Hosaphone(tm)" pronounced?
2.9) What is the proper reference to one who plays the Hosaphone(tm)?
2.10) What is the verb form of the word Hosaphone(tm)?

3) HOSAPHONE(TM) PERFORMANCE PRACTICES

3.1) What is the difference between the Hosaphone(tm) and the so-called Natural Trumpet?
3.2) Does being a trumpet player help with the Hosaphone(tm)?
3.3) What's the best mouthpiece for the Hosaphone(tm)?
3.4) What is the proper way to execute the Doppler effect (also known as the HosaTwirl(tm) ) on the Hosaphone(tm)?
3.5) Can the sound of the Hosaphone(tm) be improved?
3.6) What can I do to fix the missed or out-of-tune tones I play on the Hosaphone(tm)?
3.7) Where to put the bell?
3.8) Does adding tassels improve the sound?
3.9) What about the "out-of-tune" partials?
3.10) My Hosaphone(tm) doesn't center and slot pitches. What can I do?
3.11) How does one make different notes on a Hosaphone(tm)?
3.12) What does the inventor/mentor recommend about how to start each day right?

4) HOSAPHONE(TM) ENSEMBLE APPLICATIONS

4.1) Can I mix Hosaphones(tm) and so-called Natural Trumpets in ensembles?
4.2) Can I mix Hosaphones(tm) and modern full chromatic valved trumpets in an ensemble?

5) HOSAPHONE(TM) CONSTRUCTION

5.1) Where can I get my very own Hosaphone(tm)?
5.2) Can I build my own Hosaphone(tm) without special training and knowledge of engineering and/or metal- working?
5.3) Can I build a Hosaphone(tm) even though I am unable to telepathically communicate with animals?
5.4) OK, how do I build my own Hosaphone(tm)?
5.5) The construction of the Hosaphone(tm) sounds pretty general; can you provide a table of correct hose lengths to use for each key?
5.6) Could you send me Hosaphone(tm) specifications? I MUST have them.
5.7) What type of material (neoprene, nylon, etc.) should I use?
5.8) How do I add tassels?
5.9) How can I make sure that my Hosaphone(tm) is an official one and not some shop-class knock-off?
5.91) What is a UHID?

6) HOSAPHONE(TM) DESIGN AND THEORY

6.1) What are the physics behind the Hosaphone(tm)?
6.2) What about tube curvature/bend radius (maximum/minimum) information?
6.3) Can I weld my mouthpiece into the tubing permanently?
6.4) What about bell size/flare specifications?
6.5) What is the maximum size of a Hosaphone(tm)?

7) HOSAPHONE(TM) CARE

7.1) Where can I get a gig bag for my Hosaphone(tm)?
7.2) Where do I go to get my Hosaphone(tm) repaired?
7.3) Why the need for labeling of the Hosaphone(tm)?
7.4) What kind of valve oil should I use on my Hosaphone(tm)?
7.5) Where can I get heavy valve caps for my Hosaphone(tm)?
7.6) Can I get a reverse lead pipe for my Hosaphone(tm)?
7.7) How do I use crooks?
7.8) Why freeze a Hosaphone(tm)?
7.9) Is it OK to give my Hosaphone(tm) a name?
7.10) What are some good Hosaphone(tm) names?

8) HOSAPHONE(TM) INSTRUMENTAL WORKS

8.1) What can be performed on the Hosaphone(tm)?
8.2) Are there any original compositions composed specifically for the beloved Hosaphone(tm)? I abhor transcriptions!

9) HOSAPHONE(TM) EDUCATION

9.1) Can you describe a Hosaphone(tm) lesson with the inventor of the Hosaphone(tm)?
9.2) Are there student models as well as pro-model Hosaphones(tm) available?
9.3) Are there any celebrities who play and endorse the Hosaphone(tm)?
9.4) What colleges offer applied Hosaphone(tm) performance degrees?
9.5) What method books are available for the Hosaphone(tm)?
9.6) Are there any Hosaphone(tm) play-along recordings?

10) HOSAPHONE(TM) MULTIMEDIA COLLECTIONS AND RECORDING

10.1) What kind of microphone best captures the sound of the Hosaphone(tm)?
10.2) Where can I see a picture of a Hosaphone(tm)?
10.3) Where can I get a sound file recording of the Hosaphone(tm)?
10.4) What is the web site for the official Hosaphone(tm) Page?
10.5) Is there an Employee of the Month program at Hosaphone(tm) Headquarters?

11) TRUTHS AND THE FUTURE

11.1) Come on now. Isn't this Hosaphone(tm) thing just a big joke?
11.2) What are some future directions for Hosaphone(tm) development?
11.3) What is the patent status of the Hosaphone(tm)?
11.4) What is the required compensation for the use of a Hosaphone(tm)?
11.5) How do I list my Hosaphone(tm) on my insurance policy?
11.6) How much will a signature edition Hosaphone(tm) built by the inventor cost?
11.7) What's the major design difference between the Hosaphone(tm) and the so-called Natural Trumpet?

12) DICTIONARY OF TERMS

13) ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

 

1) A DIALOGUE WITH THE MASTER

A DIALOGUE WITH THE MASTER

__________________________

An Historical Recreation

by

David A. Roth

Cast of Characters

Workman: Inventor/Mentor and Guru of the Hosaphone(tm).
Roth: Man on a quest for musical enlightenment.
Mrs. Workman: Wife of Workman.

Scene

The mystic foothills of Minnesota located a cool 277 nautical miles from Frostbite Falls.

Time

At sunset.

Setting

We are in the DINING ROOM of the WORKMAN home, a nice looking house located in Southeastern Minnesota. It is early evening. Several logs have an amber glow in the fireplace.

 

Workman: It is with my pleasure that a fine student such as yourself would seek the advice of my years of experience. I offer to you my wisdom and without contempt I dispense this knowledge to you. I know that the quest for such a knowledge in itself is a never-ending quest and I freely pass it along to you and others who have come to cross my path and will do so in the future.

Roth: I consider myself honored to hear such words and that you, without a jealous bone in your body, offer this knowledge to me. I will use it wisely.

Workman: Do you seek the knowledge for fame and riches, or do you possess a burning within your spirit for the truth of knowledge such as I to pursue this enlightenment for the dawning of a new post-modern age?

Roth: I have come to you to seek the truth and the enlightenment. The ultimate of ultimate of truths, our sense of being, our sense of life, our sense of ourselves. Like the desert camel that needs to satisfy a thirst, I petition you for your guidance. There is no turning back, for this is my destiny. The mashed potatoes are a little on the dry side, do you have any gravy? My doctor told me to lay off the butter.

Workman: Yes, of course. It is on the dry sink behind you.

Roth: Thank goodness! I was in fear that I might need a plunger to get the rest of this meal down.

Workman: I prefer it natural and in its original form. If the potatoes needed anything more they would cease to be a potato. See this grape here before you?

Roth: Very tasty, and seedless!

Workman: Easy...I wasn't offering this to you to eat, it was for study, to make an illustration.

Roth: I apologize. I misunderstood.

Workman: You are like this grape. Lost without a connection to your vine of truth. You seek moisture, but it cannot be derived from any other means than from within your own resources. The moisture, like the truth you seek, is within yourself, not from the vine. Do not spend time looking for it.

Roth: Gosh, you are making me thirsty. A glass of root beer about now should take care of it.

Workman: About your quest. You seek enlightenment?

Roth: Yes. I desire to...

Workman: ...no! You must rid yourself of desire. It is not until then that...

Roth: Cheesecake! Oh, please say it is cherry. It must be cherry with the crust ever so light and tender. This will rid me of the desire that the master has spoken of.

Mrs. Workman: Cherry it is, David! (In a whisper to the master: After the cheesecake and the root beer, he's outta here!)

Workman: Thank you, my wife. It is your inspiration that led me in search of an answer many years ago, which led to my invention of that beloved and revered spiritual musical instrument, the Hosaphone(tm).

Roth: This Hosaphone(tm) you speak of, as the way raindrops cascade off a fresh morning spring flower and trickles on a descent to the sweet mother earth. Yes, I am sure of what my clear path must be. It is the Hosaphone(tm). I like the sound of it. I will chant its name a thousand times when I pause to reflect on what I have learned here today on my journey. Or at least until the light changes to green.

Workman: I am pleased to find such a dedicated and deep thinking student as when I began. I do not do this for a grasp at a great fortune. I learned this when I was a graduate assistant in my great scholarly pea-soup of higher learning.

Roth: Don't you mean pursuit of higher learning?

Workman: Of course I did. The turkey stuffing was stuck to the roof of my mouth. One day when my professor was at an important meeting of minds with the faculty, I entered his vacant office to perform my assistantship duties. I was but a humble servant of my professor as you will remain here and do for me...

Roth (gazing out the window): I just noticed I left my lights on. Guess I better get my coat and go take care of that right now before the battery...

Workman: ...my duties which included sweeping the floor, answering the phone, teaching classes and squeezing packages of ketchup into family-size Heinz bottles. These condiments were acquired in great quantities by my professor as he served himself from many a brown-bag lunch at local fast- food chains. There he extracted what seemed like bushels of paper napkins which I prepared in paper sacks to be placed in the trunk of his car.

Roth: Why are you telling me this, master? To feed the soul and wipe the face is not a crime against man or beast that I know of.

Workman: It was that afternoon when I returned to my professor's office that enlightenment came upon me like a bolt of lightning from almighty Zeus himself. This knowledge shot through me, which would have brought Hercules to his knees. I had wondered for a long time, but it was clear to me that I was my professor's chosen one. Through his generous gifts of wisdom and knowledge, I was permitted to get a glimpse at what so few in their youth got to sense.

Roth: What was this truth? What was this enlightenment? Please tell me so, I beg you!

Workman: There it was, lying on my professor's desk, open to the world to see but only I could see it. I was the chosen one amongst all my fellow students to learn of this. Although it seems like a simple truth, it was communicated to me through the power of my own senses. A feeling of intense sickness fell upon me like a dam of despair had broken loose. I felt my temples start to pound as I became light-headed.

Roth: Do you have jumper cables? The car lights are starting to dim. It may take the auto club hours to find this place.

Workman: I saw...I saw...

Roth: What!? What did you see?

Workman: What I saw then bestowed to me the knowledge that I was doing what I was doing for the pure truth behind it all, not for riches or fame, but for a higher purpose. This became my enlightenment; my sense of purpose started that day.

Roth: He had his completed tax-returns left open on his desk?

Workman: Bingo! A sadness over took me like no other in my hour of discontentment as it laid there before me.

Roth: Did you then seek the teachings from a greater master?

Workman: No. I got a Computer Science degree and a job in software. There I learned of a wonderful thing called Internet where I continue my teachings through e-mail, mailing lists and newsgroups.

Roth: It sounds like a happy ending for all. I am honored to have learned your truth. Is there anything I can do to better the cause of this enlightenment that you strive to do through your teachings? I feel compelled to spread the word. Whatever you ask of me, I will go forth with my best efforts. Tell me, wise master, is there anything such a humble one as myself can do to encourage others? Anything you ask, anything at all...

Workman (raising his hand): Give it a rest! My anticipation grew as I waited for you to take a breath. Yes. I wish for you to compose an original work for Hosaphone(tm) and piano, such that it can be performed on many trumpet recitals such that players and listeners alike do not forget the simple truth of making music and look deeply within themselves for the answer to many problems.

Roth: I feel a commission coming on!

Workman: As you should. It will not be a difficult work to perform and will be a short one at that. Like something to be placed at the end of the recital so that others may leave with the knowledge of this enlightenment.

Roth: I thank you here today, master. I not only thank you, but I thank myself for making these travels to your village, to break bread with such a fine example of the enlightenment. It is your kind and gentle wisdom that you spoke from the placidity of the face of a simple child engaged in a wonderment. I feel too that I have absorbed these qualities, a quality that I will carry with me on my long and important journey. If you could toss me that roll of plastic wrap I could take the rest of that cheesecake off your hands for you.

Mrs. Workman: (looks at the master and sighs.)
 


 

2) HISTORY OF THE HOSAPHONE(TM)

2.1) What is a Hosaphone(tm)?

What is art? What is beauty? It is almost beyond the scope of human understanding to answer these questions within the span of a lifetime. At what point does the craftsman become artist and in so making that art, become part of that art him- or herself? With this monumental task before us, we strive to forge ahead as we embark on a journey together to learn about the Hosaphone(tm) through a process of self-discovery. To learn about the Hosaphone(tm) is to learn about our selves. They come with tassels too.

2.2) Why is there a need for a Hosaphone(tm) FAQ?

There has been so much interest in the Hosaphone(tm) on the TPIN and as a result of the Trumpet Player Online Web pages, Mr. Roth encouraged Mr. Workman to make his invention available to the world.

2.3) What's with the "(tm)"?

There have been many similar devices created by brass players from hose horns to hose pipes. The (tm) is simply part of the name of the device invented by Mr. Workman and is intended to help differentiate the Hosaphone(tm) from other similar instruments. When you refer to the Hosaphone(tm), you are referring to the brand name of Mr. Workman's invention and all of its pre-apocalyptic philosophies. As the United States Patent and Trademark Office states in their publication, Basic Facts About Registering A Trademark, a most exciting read, a real page-turner in fact that puts the federal tax code to shame, Anyone who claims rights in a mark may use the TM (trademark) or SM (service mark) designation with the mark to alert the public to the claim. It is not necessary to have a registration, or even a pending application, to use these designations. Mr. Workman decided to append a '(TM)' since he didn't want to confuse the public with the possible perverse connotations of '(SM)'.

2.4) Who invented the Hosaphone(tm)?

Ellis Workman

2.5) Why was there a need for the Hosaphone(tm)?

In 1976, the inventor's bride complained about carrying his quad trumpet cases on the long portages on their BWCAW (Boundary Waters Canoe Area Wilderness) camping trips in northern Minnesota. He then vowed to lighten her load. Later in graduate school the inventor was compelled to study the so-called Natural Trumpet. It became immediately obvious that the Hosaphone(tm) was in every way the functional equivalent of the so-called Natural Trumpet.

2.6) Where and when was the Hosaphone(tm) invented?

In Rochester, Minnesota on July 4, 1976. Petitions to the mayor's office to declare that date Hosaphone(tm) Day have been met with less than a fanfare.

2.7) What was the first Hosaphone(tm) like?

The picture from the web site shows the first Hosaphone(tm). Because of the simple and elegant design of the Hosaphone(tm), numerous cycles of development and testing were unnecessary.

2.8) How is the word "Hosaphone(tm)" pronounced?

Hoz'-a-fone-tee-em.

2.9) What is the proper reference to one who plays the Hosaphone(tm)?

Hosaphoner, although brother and sister Hosaphoners affectionately refer to one another as hosers. If you are not a Hosaphoner yourself it is poor form to use this intimate address. Hosehead is generally taken as an insult on a level with questioning the identity of a Hosaphoner's father.

2.10) What is the verb form of the word Hosaphone(tm)?

Hosaphone is the verb, although "hose" has come into common usage.

3) HOSAPHONE(TM) PERFORMANCE PRACTICES

3.1) What is the difference between the Hosaphone(tm) and the so-called Natural Trumpet?

It is impossible to effectively perform the Doppler effect with a so-called Natural Trumpet. That is, not without severe neck injuries.

3.2) Does being a trumpet player help with the Hosaphone(tm)?

Yes, and playing the Hosaphone(tm) will improve your trumpet playing. We've also found being a trumpet player helps in all aspects of life too.

3.3) What's the best mouthpiece for the Hosaphone(tm)?

A Bach 1, with a #18 throat. Or whatever else you have laying around.

3.4) What is the proper way to execute the Doppler effect ( also known as the HosaTwirl(tm) ) on the Hosaphone(tm)?

The Hosaphone(tm) is the only musical instrument capable of producing this moving and dramatic effect. To execute the Doppler effect, the Hosaphone(tm) must be untaped and the bell end swung in a circle over the hoser's head while playing a sustained note. This effect must be used judiciously with taste and proper musical sensitivity and not cheap exhibitionism.

A perfect example of a work composed for the beloved Hosaphone(tm) that makes proper use of this feature is Codetta in C for Hosaphone(tm), Piano and Bass ( http://hosaphone.com/codetta) comp(h)osed by Mr. Roth. There is also available an arrangement of Codetta in C for Solo Hosaphone(tm) and Brass Quartet, playable by any brass quintet's trumpet or horn player.

3.5) Can the sound of the Hosaphone(tm) be improved?

The sound of the Hosaphone(tm) cannot be improved, but your sound can be improved with practice.

3.6) What can I do to fix the missed or out-of-tune tones I play on the Hosaphone(tm)? I wish to perform a short piece on my Hosaphone(tm) for my recital. I want to give a perfect performance.

Only practice will improve your performance on the beloved Hosaphone(tm), but you don't want it perfect. If you play it perfect you will be missing the point of playing the beloved Hosaphone(tm). For this reason alone, if you find yourself coming to the end of a piece and you don't recall any mistakes, we feel it is best to throw a couple of minor ones in.

3.7) Where to put the bell?

Anywhere but in front of your own ear. This is a simple safety precaution that should be unnecessary to state except for the fact that we did see a product warning once advising against operating a lawn mower in a vertical position to trim hedges. We have heard reports that while playing it in the car, it is best to keep the bell in the back seat. This might not work if you are car-pooling.

3.8) Does adding tassels improve the sound?

No, but it gives you something to play with during the rests. And when not in use, they can be hung from your rear-view mirror.

3.9) What about the "out-of-tune" partials?

What you hear is the correct pitch for that high F. One must not interfere with the laws of nature and mutilate the Hosaphone(tm) with node and vent holes to accommodate modern tastes in intonation. Besides, in a pinch if you have to drain out your fish tank, those vent holes will serve nothing more than to leave a mess on the floor.

3.10) My Hosaphone(tm) doesn't center and slot pitches, what can I do?

"A poor workman always blames his tools." Quit whining and blaming faulty equipment for your problems and take a look in the mirror. Those pitches don't slot and center because you are not making them. Mastering the Hosaphone(tm) requires a serious commitment.

3.11) How does one make different notes on a Hosaphone(tm)? I play valved brass instruments so I know that more than one open tone can be produced, (Bb, F, Bb, D) but how would one play intermediate notes on this instrument?

The other so called "intermediates notes" are not needed and therefore of no concern. Hosaphone(tm) music is based only on the "natural" harmonic series. Art involves the acceptance and overcoming of limitations; to make music with a Hosaphone(tm) one must work with these limits rather than try to sneak around them by adding node holes, and other mutilations. If this is a problem for you, you are probably not worthy to play a Hosaphone(tm).

3.12) What does the inventor/mentor recommend about how to start each day right?

Ellis L. Workman insists those serious about the Hosaphone(tm) start out each day properly with a good breakfast. Mr. Workman deems this so important, he has decided to share this "secret sauce" to his own success with the world. All he asks for in terms of compensation is for you to return this generous favor by parking your car within the painted lines and not sideways taking up more than one space.

Oat Bran: microwave 1/2 cup of oat bran with one cup of water for 3 minutes; when you take it out of the microwave, add 1 cup of (no sugar) frozen berries (sour cherries if available). Mix them in so they thaw in the hot oat bran; let sit 37.5 seconds. Cover with vanilla or plain yogurt.

4) HOSAPHONE(TM) ENSEMBLE APPLICATIONS

4.1) Can I mix Hosaphones(tm) and so-called Natural Trumpets in ensembles?

No, they won't blend properly and the clearly inferior sound of the so-called Natural Trumpet becomes painfully obvious to all but the hearing impaired.

4.2) Can I mix Hosaphones(tm) and modern full chromatic valved trumpets in an ensemble?

Yes.

5) HOSAPHONE(TM) CONSTRUCTION

5.1) Where can I get my very own Hosaphone(tm)?

You'll have to build it yourself or make an appointment with the inventor for a personal interview and determination of worthiness. Ask about group discounts on airfare.

5.2) Can I build my own Hosaphone(tm) without special training and knowledge of engineering and/or metal-working?

Yes.

5.3) Can I build a Hosaphone(tm) even though I am unable to telepathically communicate with animals?

Yes.

5.4) OK, how do I build my own Hosaphone(tm)?

The inventor speaks below, in perhaps one of his longest sessions of speech without resorting to meditation:

Not very resourceful, are we there, pal? If you can't work it out from the inventor's picture on the web site, take your mouthpiece to Tom at Ace Hardware (formerly know as Hardware Hank) in the Miracle Mile Mall in Rochester, Minnesota. Tell him I sent you and he'll treat you right! Tom doesn't do mail order. You must come there in person. Charter flights and buses can be made available.

Find the bulk plastic tubing and try your mouthpiece in the end to get the right diameter. I think it's 3/8". Buy 8' long if you want a Hosaphone(tm) in C, less if you want a D, Eb, etc. Hosaphone(tm). Then go over to the kitchen goods and try some funnels. Although the funnel in hosaphone.gif is plastic I think that tin more closely replicates the glorious sound of the beloved and revered Natural Trumpet. I haven't tried the copper funnels carried in those upscale kitchen gadget stores (usually found across from Victoria's Secret in your better malls) but they will probably work OK too. Save the trip to "Kitchen of Frederick's" for when you need birthday and anniversary gifts. After all, those who hose together stay together. Then go to the electrical department and get some 1/2" wide black electrical tape. You can also use silver duct tape to give that rich-looking silver plate finish. You can either coil your Hosaphone(tm) or tape it to a 36" long 1/4" diameter birch dowel rod (or old broom handle in a pinch). Mine is coiled. But if you make the straight version you can decorate it with some old Christmas ribbons, shoe laces, or kite string as tassels. Finally, being a purist I do not permit the mutilation of my Hosaphones(tm) with nodal vent holes. That is the correct pitch for F.

5.5) The construction of the Hosaphone(tm) sounds pretty general; can you provide a table of correct hose lengths to use for each key?

Every player is different; tuning a Hosaphone(tm) is not like tuning an instrument like a piano or organ that produces the same pitch regardless of who plays it. My recommendation is to start a tad long and then hack off 1/64" segments with a Swiss Army knife or chain saw until you are in tune. Use a tuning fork (did you know the tuning fork was invented by a trumpet player?) and not one of those newfangled machines that lets you SEE if you are in tune. If you can't HEAR if you're in tune or not you have no business playing a Hosaphone(tm). Remember: don't cut too much off at once. You can always take some more off, but you can't put it back on! By the way, all our measurements are non-metric. (No one uses metric anyway, so why pretend?)

If you wish to made a Hosaphone(tm) in high F, to tackle Bach's Brandenburg Concerto No. 2, start with about 6 or 7 feet. French Horn players will want to start with about 12 or 13 feet to create a Hosaphone(tm) in F.

5.6) Could you send me Hosaphone(tm) specifications? I MUST have them.

There is a picture of one of my Hosaphones(tm) at the web site. There are some fine recordings made by Mr. Roth (and Mr. Workman) also there. That should be sufficient to get you started. I gotta tell you though that I'm pretty weary of all these little nit-picking details. You sound like the sort of person with no imagination at all, who colors inside the lines and whose handwriting is just as your fourth grade teacher showed you. Playing the Hosaphone(tm) requires originality, independence and a risk-taking personality. If you are the sort of person who always needs to be told what to do, you're probably not cut out for the Hosaphone(tm).

5.7) What type of material (neoprene, nylon, etc.) should I use? As soon as I complete the manufacture of my instrument, I will get it cryogenically treated. The cryogenic treatment might be detrimental to the wrong type of material.

We do not recommend freezing of Hosaphones(tm). The material becomes very brittle. Didn't you ever take your kids to a science demo where they put flowers in liquid NO2 and then broke them like glass? Use whatever you can find at your local hardware.

5.8) How do I add tassels?

This is entirely up to you. Kite string, old shoe laces, and wrapping ribbon all can be used to effectively decorate your Hosaphone(tm).

5.9) How can I make sure that my Hosaphone(tm) is an official one and not some shop-class knock-off?

In order for your Hosaphone(tm) to be an official Hosaphone(tm) it needs to have the HosaLabel(tm) affixed to the bell. You can obtain your HosaLabel(tm) for FREE by going to the Hosaphone(tm) Online Registration System at http://hosaphone.com/hors where your very own personalized HosaLabel(tm) will be generated with it's own UHID. Museum curators should be aware that any Hosaphone(tm) with an assembly date of 1976 are collector's items.

5.91) What is a UHID?

UHID refers to the Unique Hose Identifier. This special number is generated by the Hosaphone(tm) Online Registration System for the HosaLabel(tm). The Hosaphone(tm) does not have a serial number. Instead it employs a UHID. This serves to avoid the inevitable snobbishness resulting from hosers with low serial numbers lording it over those with more recent numbers. Without a UHID, you have little more than some tubing and a funnel. You are strongly encouraged to register your Hosaphone(tm) or risk being shunned by other hosers. Ellis Workman, Hosaphone(tm) Inventor/Mentor has stated that currently no grace period exists, so it is in your own best interest to make your Hosaphone(tm) official as soon as possible. You can do this right now by going to http://hosaphone.com/hors

6) HOSAPHONE(TM) DESIGN AND THEORY

6.1) What are the physics behind the Hosaphone(tm)?

Well there is fire, water, air, and earth ... oops, wrong epistemological model. There is time, mass and energy. The Hosaphone(tm) like all other machines transforms energy from one form to another. Like other brass instruments, you blow in here, the music goes round and round and comes out there, but there is no first valve.

6.2) What about tube curvature/bend radius (maximum/minimum) information?

Excessive bending could compromise tonal quality. If your bend puts a crimp in the hose it was too much.

6.3) Can I weld my mouthpiece into the tubing permanently?

No, the plastic tubing will melt and catch fire. Why would you want to do this anyway? The mouthpiece is the most expensive component of a Hosaphone(tm) system and you will want to use your mouthpiece with several Hosaphones(tm).

6.4) What about bell size/flare specifications?

The Hosaphone(tm) can be played without a bell in which case it sounds "muted". This is the "practice" Hosaphone(tm). Just try some different funnels; the Rubber Maid product line is too unstable to make a specific recommendation at this time. While civil attempts have been made to communicate with their design team, it has become obvious to us that we see a hostile takeover on the horizon.

6.5) What is the maximum size of a Hosaphone(tm)?

Hardware Hank sells plastic hose material in 100 foot rolls. The largest Mr. Workman has made is an 8' C Hosaphone(tm). The rule of thumb here is that the longer the Hosaphone(tm) the more notes possible and the more difficult to control.

7) HOSAPHONE(TM) CARE

7.1) Where can I get a gig bag for my Hosaphone(tm)?

La dee dah ... A gig bag you say? The inventor uses a brown grocery bag and you want a gig bag? Maybe if you can manage to interrupt your nanny from trimming the crusts off your cheese sandwich, she can go out and get a Gucci leather gig bag for you.

7.2) Where do I go to get my Hosaphone(tm) repaired?

Your local Ace Hardware Store. See your local Yellow Pages.

7.3) Why the need for labeling of the Hosaphone(tm)?

To distinguish it from other similar instruments and the contents of your car trunk.

7.4) What kind of valve oil should I use on my Hosaphone(tm)?

The Hosaphone(tm) has no valves nor any other moving parts and therefore requires no oil.

7.5) Where can I get heavy valve caps for my Hosaphone(tm)?

The Hosaphone(tm) has no valves and therefore no need for heavy valve caps. But if you find you are gaining altitude while playing the Hosaphone(tm), keep a few rocks in your pocket to center your gravity.

7.6) Can I get a reverse lead pipe for my Hosaphone(tm)?

Certainly, just swap the funnel and mouthpiece on your Hosaphone(tm).

7.7) How do I use crooks?

There is no need for crooks on the Hosaphone(tm). Considering the low cost of the Hosaphone(tm), just build one for each key needed.

7.8) Why freeze a Hosaphone(tm)?

The Hosaphone(tm) has no perishable components, therefore freezing is unnecessary.

7.9) Is it OK to give my Hosaphone(tm) a name?

Yes.

7.10) What are some good Hosaphone(tm) names?

Hank, Harold, Harvey, Hazel, Henrietta, Henry, Holly, Horace, Hortense, Howard, and of course, Hosey, a personal favorite of Mr. Roth's.

8) HOSAPHONE(TM) INSTRUMENTAL WORKS

8.1) What can be performed on the Hosaphone(tm)?

Any music written to be played on the beloved and revered Natural Trumpet sounds even more glorious on a Hosaphone(tm).

8.2) Are there any original compositions composed specifically for the beloved Hosaphone(tm)? I abhor transcriptions!

Mr. Roth has been commissioned by Hosaphone(tm) Headquarters' philanthropic foundation to compose a single-movement work for Hosaphone(tm) and piano, making it an excellent work to boldly demonstrate the Hosaphone(tm) as a unique instrument in music history. It is strongly recommended that this important work be placed at the end of your recital. This original Hosaphone(tm) composition, Codetta in C for Hosaphone(tm), Piano and Bass can be found at http://hosaphone.com/codetta the official web site for Hosaphone(tm) Headquarters. This work performed by Mr. Roth was featured on the syndicated radio show Dr. Demento on August 31, 1997 as an "extra" on the Funny Five. There also exists a brass quintet arrangement where either a trumpet or horn player from the brass quintet can be featured on the Solo Hosaphone(tm) part.

An order form can be found at Hosaphone(tm) Headquarters at http://hosaphone.com/codetta/orderform.html with instructions on how you can get your very own autographed limited edition of the music score. Also available is an audio Compact Disc containing the artist performance and an additional play a-long practice version without the Solo Hosaphone(tm) track -- all just for a nominal cost.

Music history textbook authors should take notice that the first UK performance of Codetta in C for Hosaphone(tm), Piano and Bass, comp(h)osed by David A. Roth, took place at the bandhall of Wantage Silver Band, in Wantage, Oxfordshire, on Sunday 13th April 1997. The Hosaphone(tm) soloist for this historic occasion was Graham Cross, a 17-year-old trumpeter and cornettist. He was accompanied at the piano by David Taylor, and on the tuba (covering the bass part) by Martin Taylor. The performance was awarded "best in class" in the Entertainment class of Wantage Band's annual band contest by adjudicator Helen Wright, solo cornet of the National Youth Brass Band of Great Britain. You can get the full eye-witness reported by Martin Taylor, Bb Tuba player & UK HosaReporter(tm) on special assignment at http://hosaphone.com/codetta/uk-performance

You will also find the Hosaphone(tm) Warm-Up, also known as The Miracle Seven, at http://hosaphone.com/warm-up

9) HOSAPHONE(TM) EDUCATION

9.1) Can you describe a Hosaphone(tm) lesson with the inventor of the Hosaphone(tm)?

You have to understand that someone who can come up with such an unusual yet simple design also can be a bit of a mystic at times too. Mr. Roth recalls an event in his own words:

In the early days when I was beta testing the Hosaphone(tm) prototypes, mostly for tassel placement, I had problems with pitch. I spoke in great detail with Mr. Workman about my problems and he was very encouraging. As I recall, he said that it wasn't that the Hosaphone(tm) was having a pitch problem, but it was that I was not in tune with the rest of the world and that it was my soul that needed adjusting! This was a most profound thing to say and I was told -- not only should I learn to play the Hosaphone(tm), but I needed to be the Hosaphone(tm). Then what proceeded was the longest moment of silence I have ever endured. It must have been not more than 30 seconds, according to my long distance phone bill, but it felt like hours. Then Mr. Workman added, "If that doesn't work, I'd cut about an eighth of an inch off the thing, it sounds a little flat to me over the phone."

9.2) Are there student models as well as pro-model Hosaphones(tm) available?

No, Hosaphones(tm) Headquarters does not engage in flattering the egos of dilettante customers. All Hosaphones(tm) are created equal.

9.3) Are there any celebrities who play and endorse the Hosaphone(tm)?

If there were, what difference should it make? We are talking about a musical instrument here, not designer jeans and overpriced cars.

9.4) What colleges offer applied Hosaphone(tm) performance degrees?

None yet that we are aware of, but it is only a matter of time before the etude-checkers come to jump on the hose wagon, and bottom feeders begin historical studies on the evolution of 2nd Hosaphone(tm) parts in Kurdish chamber music.

9.5) What method books are available for the Hosaphone(tm)?

There are no method books (with etudes ready to check off on) written specifically for the Hosaphone(tm); however the following etude materials are recommended: Bugling Merit Badge Book, published by the Boy Scouts of America (Secular Edition); Marcel Bitsch: Vingt Etudes; and H.L. Clarke Technical Studies.

9.6) Are there any Hosaphone(tm) play-along recordings?

Just pick your favorite recording and play-along.

10) HOSAPHONE(TM) MULTIMEDIA COLLECTIONS AND RECORDING

10.1) What kind of microphone best captures the sound of the Hosaphone(tm)?

Carbon microphones as found in telephones.

10.2) Where can I see a picture of a Hosaphone(tm)?

While you would be hard-pressed to not see a picture of a Hosaphone(tm) while visiting Hosaphone(tm) Headquarters, here is one for your convenience:

Hosaphone(tm)

10.3) Where can I get sound file recordings of the Hosaphone(tm)?

http://hosaphone.com/sounds

10.4) What is the official web site for Hosaphone(tm) Headquarters?

http://hosaphone.com

An announcement fan mailing list for Hosaphone(tm) Headquarters is also available free. To subscribe, send a message to
This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
or go to the e-groups's home page at
http://www.egroups.com/group/hosaphone-fans/

10.5) Is there an Employee of the Month program at Hosaphone(tm) Headquarters?

Once a month since Hosaphone(tm) Headquarters opened its web site in April 1st, 1996, we have honored a special member of our staff who serves as a role model to us all. Honoring an Employee of the Month is just a small way to let these special individuals know that their efforts have not gone unnoticed. This is proudly displayed at:
http://hosaphone.com/eotm.php

11) TRUTHS AND THE FUTURE

11.1) Come on now. Isn't this Hosaphone(tm) thing just a big joke?

You think THIS is a joke??? At our alma mater trumpet students are now required to wrap their instruments in duct tape to deaden the sound, mouthpieces designed by a feline cost hundreds of dollars, every day trumpets are being frozen to improve their ballistic properties, and heavy valve caps are minutely adjusted for optimum resonance. To cope with all this they are encouraged to take prescription drugs in order to make it through a performance.

In playing a Hosaphone(tm) you can come to terms with the real essence of the brass instrument. A Hosaphone(tm) is so close to a trumpet with bits of plumbing added you can begin to see that it is the equipment that is between your ears that is what you seek to improve in this journey. The ultimate instrument is within you and the search to seek out the perfect one has to be done internally, not externally. We turn to one of the great philosophers of the 20th century, Cher, who boldly stated in a shampoo commercial aired on national TV in the US, "If it came in a bottle, everyone would have one."

11.2) What are some future directions for Hosaphone(tm) development?

In 1994 or '95, Henry Charles Smith (former principal trombonist with the Philadelphia Orchestra) demonstrated a Hosaphone(tm)-like instrument to high-school students at a clinic in Rochester, Minnesota. This instrument was made from flexible surgical rubber. Mr. Smith required an assistant to stretch the hose to various lengths, filling in "missing" notes between overtones as a trombone does. While this instrument is not a "true" Hosaphone(tm) we consider it worthy of mention in this FAQ and of future research and development.

11.3) What is the patent status of the Hosaphone(tm)?

In litigation as numerous others' claims have recently surfaced. Contact the authors of this FAQ to learn how you can contribute to the Hosaphone(tm) Legal Defense Fund.

11.4) What is the required compensation for the use of a Hosaphone(tm)?

Mr. Workman has released the Hosaphone(tm) to the world as shareware. If you build one and continue to use it after thirty days, then you are morally obligated to pay royalty fees to Hosaphones(tm) Inc. of 1/3 of all future earnings playing your Hosaphone(tm). In place of that, send us a group photo of you and your chums, classmates or board members posing with their Hosaphone(tm) and we will place it on the Hosaphone(tm) web page.

11.5) How do I list my Hosaphone(tm) on my insurance policy?

List it as a rider under personal property, and then submit video tapes of the contents of your home as well as of you playing your Hosaphone(tm) collection to your insurance company and to the authors of this FAQ who will store it in Iron Mountain for a nominal charge.

11.6) How much will a signature edition Hosaphone(tm) built by the inventor cost?

$15,000.00 (no mouthpiece or case). Half up front on acceptance of order and the remainder on delivery. Worthiness to be determined at the discretion of the inventor. Price subject to fluctuate due to the current trading price of raw materials.

11.7) What's the major design difference between the Hosaphone(tm) and the so-called Natural Trumpet?

The Hosaphone(tm), excluding the cost of the mouthpiece costs about US$8.00 to build for yourself using new parts. A so-called Natural Trumpet is designed to cost about US$3,000.00.

12) DICTIONARY OF TERMS

Etude-checker: (1) A charlatan posing as a trumpet instructor who offers no educational benefit to the student. (2) One who assigns etudes without offering help of how to play them. (3) One who checks off etudes each lesson regardless of the student's progress.

TPIN: (1) Trumpet Players International Network, an exciting forum to which those with an interest in the trumpet exchange ideas and information. (2) An ultra-modern form of communications expected to overtake cable news by the year 2000. (3) An activity that allows its list administrator to duck out of faculty meetings in order to maintain the list. (4) A pin in the shape of the letter "T", possibly worn by Toastmasters.

Bottom-Feeder: (1) One who spends an inordinate amount of time in a tightly narrow focus of music history in order to become an expert in it almost by default since no one else has interest in that area, including the scholar doing the research. (2) One who has, at a minimum, six bachelor's degrees, four masters, three doctorates, from thirteen different colleges, all in music history and doesn't own a copy of Arban's.

Cherry Cheesecake: (1) A dessert cake. (2) A favorite of Mr. Roth.

Valve Oil: (1) A lubricant used to allow valved instruments such as a trumpet to shorten and lengthen tubing within passages quickly. (2) A highly overpriced oil used on trumpet valves. (3) Olive Oil's younger sister.

Trumpet: (1) A fully chromatic brass wind instrument used in orchestras and dance bands. (2) The lead brass instrument in any ensemble. (3) The lead instrument in any ensemble. (4) The lead instrument, period!

Graduate Assistant: (1) A scholarly pupil entrusted with teaching courses and engaging in research under the supervision of a full-time professor. (2) One who makes a grab for young co-eds when the professors aren't looking. (3) One who demands to be addressed as Mr. or Ms., while full-time tenure faculty are on a first-name basis with students. (4) One who has a tiny desk in an office on campus that used to either be a practice room or a janitor's closet.

Kurdish chamber music: (1) Non-sequitur reference.

13) ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

We would like to thank the following individuals and organizations who have helped and contributed to this document:

Russ Hersch (author of FAQ on FAQs)
for his brilliant FAQ on how to write your own FAQ.

Michael Anderson (college music professor)
for his efforts in creating and keeping the TPIN running.

Mark Van Cleave (creator of Trumpet Players Online)
for his valuable contributions and continuing support for trumpet playing.

The subscribers to the TPIN
who from time to time provide valuable insight and who are always there when help is needed.

International Trumpet Guild
for planting the seed to networking trumpet players long before there was the Internet.

Bill Adam (trumpet teacher)
whose common sense follows us daily as we practice.
http://everythingtrumpet.com/Bill-Adam

Louis Davidson (trumpet teacher)
whose book Trumpet Profiles has served to remind us of the greats.

Indiana University School of Music third floor practice rooms
formerly known to us in the 1970s as Trumpet Row. A place we fondly remember, as you could hear 110 trumpet players practicing day or night.

Wayne Tanabe (Senior Technical Manager at Yamaha Artist Services)
who in addition to doing fine musical instrument repair and restoration was consulted on Hosaphone(tm) lengths. Mr. Tanabe is also the former owner and lead technican with The Brass Bow that was located for 22 years in the Chicago, IL area.

Dr. David E. Stacey, PhD (college English professor)
Associate Professor and Director of Composition in the English Department at Humboldt State University (Arcata, CA) for his brilliant research, on The New Rhetoric of Email: Participatory Quotation on an Electronic Discussion List: The Trumpet Player's International Network
(http://hosaphone.com/nash). Presented at the PALA (Poetics and Linguistics Association) conference, Summer 1997 in Nottingham, England. A must read for those seeking a PhD in Rhetoric and Composition.

Hinkle's Hamburgers
(formerly located) across the street from the music building at IU in Bloomington, Indiana for making the best burgers in the world. They can be found at their current location:

Hinkle's Hamburgers
206 S Adams St
Bloomington, IN 47404-5069
Phone: (812) 339-3335

You, our readers
for your support and encouragement, we are proud to be part of the global trumpet playing community.


We disclaim everything. The contents of this article might be totally inaccurate, inappropriate, misguided, or otherwise perverse -- except our names (you can probably trust us on that). Not responsible for any and all harm which may result in injuries inflicted, but not limited to those at the hand of a conductor or from the result of you addressing the conductor as "Maestro Schmuck".

The authors make no representation or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this FAQ, and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for any particular purpose, and shall in no event be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damage, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages.

Copyright © 1996-2014 by Ellis L. Workman and David A. Roth, all rights reserved. This FAQ may be posted to any USENET newsgroup, on-line service, BBS, internet mailing lists, music professor's studio bulletin board or shellacked to the mirror of music practice rooms everywhere as long as it is posted in its entirety and includes this copyright statement.

No part of this FAQ (including but not limited to its accompanying audio sound file recordings, graphic images (motion and still), music compositions or data) may be published, including in commercial collections or compilations, in any form, by any means, (electronic, photocopying, recording, broadcast, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the authors.

All brand names and product names used in this FAQ are trademarks, registered trademarks, or trade names of their respective holders.


Greek bust of Ellis Workman

 

Ellis Workman: Inventor of the Hosaphone(tm) and co-author of The Hosaphone(tm) FAQ.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Greek bust of David A. Roth

 

David A. Roth: Comp(h)oser and co-author of The Hosaphone(tm) FAQ.