Journal Entries for the Post-Modern Age.
Published on Saturday, 08 February 2014
News media guidelines concerning photo submissions of Mr. Workman to Hosaphone(tm) Headquarters.
Paparazzi wishing to photograph Ellis Workman, the inventor/mentor of the beloved, revered and mostly
plastic Hosaphone(tm) must closely adhere to our guidelines when Mr. Workman is attending music industry related trade shows, workshops, conversing with heads of state or while browsing a local hardware store. In order for the photos to be considered for publication at Hosaphone(tm) Headquarters the following guidelines must be followed.
- No photos will be accepted for publication on Hosaphone(tm) Headquarters where Mr. Workman has his eyes shut, is running away from the camera, or is covering his face.
- No photos will be considered taken within the confines of the restroom, nor will any be considered where Mr. Workman is not fully clothed. A men's cashmere robe is allowable, provided Mr. Workman is wearing matching slippers.
- No alcohol or tobacco or its related products are permitted within the four corners of any photos. Hosaphone(tm) Headquarters is kid safe and the management intends to keep it that way.
- No photos will be accepted if Mr. Workman is placing food into his mouth, or retrieving it.
- Paparazzi must be at arm's length from Mr. Workman at all times.
- At Mr. Workman's sole discretion, if he asks for your unprocessed film, or in the case of a digital camera, requests that your images be erased, you must comply.
- If Mr. Workman deems it necessary to smash your camera your only proper response should be to thank Mr. Workman in a solemn manner and quietly retreat to your hotel room for the remainder of the trade show.
- If for any reason, Mr. Workman becomes annoyed or in any way agitated by paparazzi behavior, he has been duly authorized by the local law enforcement authorities, and the inventor's union to offer one good clear punch to the face or stomach, without resistance or legal recourse on the part of the recipient of such force.
- Photos taken at any conference or related workshop must contain Mr. Workman posed with its official members of staff to be smiling or looking towards Mr. Workman with an awe-inspired manner.
- Photos taken with Mr. Workman where brass repair technicians, or brass instrument designers are present should be posed as if Mr. Workman is giving them a lecture. Participants should be holding paper notepads in a reporter's fashion obviously taking notes to capture each and every pearl of wisdom dispensed.
- Any photos taken where a so-called natural trumpet player is present must show Mr. Workman in a lecture stance eye-to-eye while pushing his index finger into their solar plexus.
- Any photos with Mr. Workman posed with a music conductor will not be accepted. Train car conductors are permissible.
Submit your news photo for consideration in the Submit News Story section of hosaphone.com.